Since 1st Nov 2008, I have had 7 deaths to think about. The first, early hours of All Saints Day, my friend was murdered. 2 weeks later, his best friend committed suicide, unable to cope with the grief.

June 2009, my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer, and died 6 weeks later. A few months later a dear friend and work colleague had an accident at home, and died. Then in March this year hubby’s gran passed away, never having recovered from her daughters death 9 months previous.

Another friend recently drowned in an accident, his body not found for 3 long weeks. And today an old family friend passed away.

Also in that time, that our 16 year old family dog had to be put down, and my mums new dog, whom I had adopted with her from Dogs Trust, was killed by a car.

GIVE A GIRL A BREAK

I have never been able to cope with death. My first memorable death was a dog. My singing teacher’s Springer, called Emma. I think I was 8 or 9, and I loved that big old dog, I used to play with her while my older sister had her lessons before mine. But one day she wasn’t there. I cried for 2 days, uncontrollably. I remember sitting in front of my dresser, sobbing and simply staring at my face, in shock of the sheer emotions visible on my own face. It scared me, and I didn’t like it.

A year later, my grandad died, of the same cancer that is currently gnawing away at my mum. It was a long process, and not unexpected death. I thought I was ok, I thought at 10 I could cope with it. I went to the church and as soon as it started “we are all here today to say goodbye to Dennis” and the floodgates opened. I was shaking so much, I got up and ran out of the church, needed air.

I went and sat by a house, calming myself down, then a bird flew into the window, dropped to the ground and died. Well, didn’t that just start me off all over again. One of the men with the hearse came over to see me, my family had all stayed inside, and I was alone. And that is the haunting feeling I get every time there is a death. Emptiness. Alone. I could be surrounded by people, but still feeling more alone than ever.

But why am I not used to it yet.

I think to be honest I am. But today, at the news of Timmy’s death, I felt the emptiness coming and I realised that I am going to have to deal with one of the biggest deaths I will ever know soon. My mum.

My mum has cancer. It started as oesophageal cancer 2 years ago, which was operated on, and she had her oesophagus removed. a year later, cancer has spread to her stomach, inside and out, and her lungs, and to be honest, I don’t even know where else. She cant eat, she now weighs little over 5 stone, and looks, quite simply, like death. She’s on morphine patches, and although never an easy to deal with person, she’s unbelievable now.

We aren’t close, never have been, but yet, despite my best efforts, this is upsetting me now, as it comes to the obvious end of her life. The doctors cannot do anything more for her, and it really is a waiting game, every phone call could be That One. I will cope when she is gone, as she’s not influential on my life, if that makes sense, not in the way my Mother In Law was. I’m already feeling the loss, and she’s not even gone yet. I hate to say it but the thought of A Death, any death, is scaring me, more than the loss of my mum. This will be funerals, family to deal with, cards, constant greeting people I don’t recognise, all whilst dealing with my own grief, and that of my son, hubby, and sisters.

Also, just to put a cherry on my heavily iced cake, my father in law’s pacemaker has run out of steam. Apparently they should be replaced every 8 years. I have no idea why he still has his over 10 years later. He should be in for surgery in 8-10 weeks, until then….. who knows. I rely on him for child minding in the summer hols, and feel so bad about the physical strain this has on him, but I have no other options. Cue stressed hubby, and rightfully so.

I NEED a break from all this. I need no deaths, illnesses, hospitals. I need no money or job worries. I need love, and support, and understanding. I need to be able to scream and not have anyone tell me to stop. And on top of it all, more than any of it all, I need a hug.

Rest In Peace Kenny, Thomas, Myra, Jackie, Molly, Graeme, Timmy.

I had an idea on Twitter last night, to document my day off. Like Ferris Bueller, only with better hair, and shoes. And so it starts!

Woke up, 8.30. Something fell down the stairs. My son had dropped one of his rollerblades as he went down to play the xbox. I dont know why he was carrying them either.

I had to get up. Tea. Biscuits. Sofa. Requires no heels.

And Batfink pj’s. Obviously.

Again, 99p, Primark Gucci-esque heels that never made it to my local store, or if they did they sold out so quickly. They are actually really comfy, but in pre-worn condition, so will be saved more for when I really really want to wear them, and not every day.

Finally, Topshop Unique heels. Theses are more fabulous on screen than in real life unfortunately. £38 on ebay, still with the stickers saying £115 original price.  I am undecided on them, especially what to wear with them!

Sometimes waiting for sales, or ebay listings pays off!

But I need help. What should I get?! I have few preferences, but must have a decent camera, and be internet capable, Wi-Fi would also be ideal. I’m with T-Mobile, and they do not yet have iPhone4, would it be worth it if I waited? or should I go for HTC Desire, or Blackberry, or similar?

The biggest problem with these smart phones, is that they require a 24 month contract. WTF? Its longer than most serious relationships!! I’m gonna try my best to bet 18 months at the most.

Comments below please!!

We were not close, but certainly towards the end, we had a lot more affection for each other. She realised I wasn’t so bad, and I realised her annoying ways were just the things that made her who she was.

Her passing didn’t affect me so bad directly, but it affected those around me greatly. My husband and son, my father in law, and mother in laws elderly mum. To say the past year has been hard would be an understatement. It was my sons first family death, and he was almost 7 at the time. She was buried on my sons birthday, which made me feel like absolute shit. To be there for hubby, but not for my son? I can’t pick and choose between the men in my life like that, and I hope I never have to again.

My husband and his father are now all that is left of a very small family, and although me and my son double the numbers, its still teeny. So we have no excuses not to do things together, and now spend much more time talking, and just simply doing nothing with each other, but enjoying the company.

The worst part of today so far is that I only realised the date at about 10am. I didn’t give hubby a hug this morning, and tell him that I understand his loss, and I am here for him. I won’t see him now until 5. And I feel so so very bad about this.

Grieving never gets easier. It gets harder as the years go by and you struggle to remember someone’s face, their laugh, their mannerisms. You feel worse because you start to forget, and you swore you never would. So try not to grieve for loved ones, remember them with joy, and laughter in your heart, and don’t let sadness cloud your precious memories of them. But most importantly, enjoy them while they are still here. Because you can be certain that they won’t be forever.

And so, because of all these other things, my blog has had to take the very very last seat on the bus. Its lucky that there was even a seat there at all. I still haven’t found my footing in the blogosphere, so I think I will try to make a bit more form in what I will post.

I’m thinking of the following themes

Favourites: make-up, shoes, clothes, pictures, songs, movies, anything really. These change with me every week. So I will try to write a post on each of these topics.

Outfits: I really should do this every day, and I will certainly try.

Shopping: what I’ve bought, what I want, and what I cant afford.

What irks me: I like to complain. It probably should be mentioned in my list of what I do all week, cos I probably do it more than I sleep. I know Mr Heels would think so, anyway!

Life in general: This will probably be ramblings that wont mean anything to anyone else, but sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

That’s all I can think of right now, and I probably wont stick to these, but I will try. To quote from Peter Sarstedt’s song,

But where do you go to my lovely
When you’re alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head

Hope you keep reading

I love it. Best online shop ever, hands down. I spend so much time on it, if it was a real shop I would actually live in it. Sleeping bag, in the changing room, that would be me.

I have just ordered this, with free delivery, free returns, and £5 off cos I bought a tin of Diet Coke (may be NI/ROI only, please check).

The dress is available in regular and petite sizes both £55, and the ears hairband only £8, or £3 if you use the discount code and free super saver delivery!! Bargain of the century right there.

Hope to wear the dress to the day at the races in June, or perhaps the ears with an alternative dress. I still have my wedding fascinator  that I would love to wear again, though its white, I might investigate spraying it another colour…..!

The Floral dress is £40 and the plain one, available in coral or black is £55. But I have to ask, how would you sit down in them??

Also on the site, a similar one shouldered style for £40, with the ruffle as the strap rather than round the hem, which would be easier to wear, although you could not wear a jacket over it!

Why do heels as unbelievable as these have to cost £1,000+? Come on Primark, I’ve seen your Louboutin attempts, the studded Burberry-esque sandals and all the other rip-offs that you do (some of which are actually ok!) so please please make these Nicholas Kirkwood for Rodarte the next designer heels you take ‘inspiration’ from. Please?

These heels astound me. Industrial, futuristic, animalistic, they are Terminator in shoe form. The ultimate in biker-chick style, they ooze attitude.

This is love.

The amazing Shoeperwoman alerted me to these beauties. I shall have to invite her to the wedding as a thank you for introducing us! She would be the only person invited who would stand a chance at showing me up in the shoe stakes

I think they both retail for £15 which is really hard to believe, and really hard to resist.

If someone else were to buy the dresses in a size 8, and they didn’t fit them, I would be a real friend and, you know, buy the dresses from them….. any takers?