In These Heels

My mother in law died last year on this date.

We were not close, but certainly towards the end, we had a lot more affection for each other. She realised I wasn’t so bad, and I realised her annoying ways were just the things that made her who she was.

Her passing didn’t affect me so bad directly, but it affected those around me greatly. My husband and son, my father in law, and mother in laws elderly mum. To say the past year has been hard would be an understatement. It was my sons first family death, and he was almost 7 at the time. She was buried on my sons birthday, which made me feel like absolute shit. To be there for hubby, but not for my son? I can’t pick and choose between the men in my life like that, and I hope I never have to again.

My husband and his father are now all that is left of a very small family, and although me and my son double the numbers, its still teeny. So we have no excuses not to do things together, and now spend much more time talking, and just simply doing nothing with each other, but enjoying the company.

The worst part of today so far is that I only realised the date at about 10am. I didn’t give hubby a hug this morning, and tell him that I understand his loss, and I am here for him. I won’t see him now until 5. And I feel so so very bad about this.

Grieving never gets easier. It gets harder as the years go by and you struggle to remember someone’s face, their laugh, their mannerisms. You feel worse because you start to forget, and you swore you never would. So try not to grieve for loved ones, remember them with joy, and laughter in your heart, and don’t let sadness cloud your precious memories of them. But most importantly, enjoy them while they are still here. Because you can be certain that they won’t be forever.